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Outsource magazine: thought-leadership and outsourcing strategy | July 25, 2017

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TOP TEN: Game-Changing Kit

TOP TEN: Game-Changing Kit
Top Ten

Technology lies at the heart of outsourcing and shared services. But there’s a long way still to go before it’s solved all the problems afflicting those at the front line. For the latest in our Top Ten series we lifted the cloth off our crystal ball to see what lies around the corner in terms of truly game-changing tech – the kit that doesn’t exist today, but will revolutionise our working lives tomorrow. Prepare to be amazed…


 

1. Customer Pacification Droid
Problem customers are one of the biggest, er, problems facing the customer contact industry in that they a) absorb time and therefore money; b) complain vociferously on social media; and c) drive customer service agents into early graves. The CPD fixes all that: with its potent combination of soothing tones and hypnotic powers, this tasty piece of kit will leave even your most difficult punters in a state of delighted, if unconscious, satisfaction…

2. Universal Exception Handler
Bedevilled by awkward exceptions despite having done a world-class process optimisation job? Just deploy the Universal Exception Handler: whatever your process you’ll never have to worry about an exception again. (NB: still in beta. You may want to check your trash relatively frequently.)

3. Time Zone Homogeneity Facilitator
Is your centre located in an inappropriate timezone? Never fear: with this outstanding device you can now align your team with your customers regardless of where they are in the world, without having to pay extra for unsociable hours. Simply attach one to the back of each clock in your facility and, hey presto! Winning!

4. Workforce Motivation Bot
Is your workforce suffering from a lack of oomph? Need to inject a bit of get-up-and-JFDI into your team? The solution is here! Closely modelled on the world-famous ED-209, this transformative robot inspires, cajoles and drives your staff forwards via a pair of side-mounted minicannons and a flamethrower. Concerns about suboptimal workrates will be a thing of the past. (NB: some minor bugs may reveal themselves post-deployment.)

5. Warp Drive
Add up all the hours your execs spend travelling from one airport to another and you’ll probably want to cry into your Jim Beam. But wipe those tears away, kid! With warp drive technology your top brass can take off from HQ and land at their desired location before they’ve even left (or something like that: if you want to learn about relativity we’re not sure this is the right website…). What’s more, they’ll even get younger while they’re doing it! (No, come on, that’s actually ridiculous. We’ll get back to you….)

6. “X-as-a-Service” Generator
Suppliers: stuck for a new buzzphrase? Your prayers have been answered: simply activate this amazing tool and watch in wonder as it comes up with a random noun to offer as a service over the cloud.

7. Babel Piranha
Most of us will be familiar with the Babel fish, dreamt up by Douglas Adams in one of his countless strokes of genius (if you’re not, your education continues here). The Babel piranha takes this concept a stage further: not only does it translate anything its host hears, but should said host be about to say anything him- or herself which would place his or her employers at risk, or even just sound downright bloody idiotic, the little cutey chomps with alacrity into the host’s brain, thus drawing a hasty line under the whole affair.

8. Wireless Polygraph
Fraud, embezzlement and general naughtiness are inescapable facts of life in the workplace; every now and then an organisation will start to suspect wrongdoing amongst its staff. But it can be dreadfully difficult – and often extremely expensive – to prove a case: after all, who other than the saintliest sinner will voluntarily admit his or her own sin when confronted? With the wireless polygraph, however, bosses can prove from afar when one of their staff is talking porkies: simply aim it at the suspects and let them talk their way into the sticky stuff…

9. Location Selection Projectile
Uncertain as to where to site your next delivery hub? Tempted by a plethora of service delivery hot spots and really can’t make up your mind which one to plump for? Just deploy this sleek little number and take the decision out of your own hands: point it at the map on the wall, press the little red button and watch your future be determined before your eyes.

10. Cultural Aligner
Struggling to get geographically and culturally diverse teams singing from the same hymn sheet? Otherwise excellent individuals being broken on the wheel of mutual incomprehension, misunderstanding and misinterpretation? No longer: this amazing technology brings all colours and creeds together, uniting us as one unified mind. Resistance is futile. We are the Borg.

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